(3 out of 5 hot dogs)

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The Back Forty
190 Avenue B (at 12th)
Time: Mondays, 6-11:30
Price: Half of drinks at the bar

The food at this farmer-chic tavern is fresh, healthy and often locally grown. The bartenders are friendly, and make some of the best, creative yet simple, cocktails I’ve had in NYC. I’ve been here a few times, and the menu keeps changing, but some of my favorites include the Penn Shandy (pilsner, gin, ginger and lemon) and the Red & Black (tequila, strawberries, pepper and lime). And with happy hour extending all day Monday, these fancy drinks are only $5, and locally brewed beers are around $3. Also on Mondays, you can get a grass-fed beef slider for $3 (I thought cows were supposed to eat corn. No?). Yes, it’s a little pricier than Burger King, but it’s also free of rats, feces and factory workers’ disembodied limbs. So do your appetite, your body, and the future of food a favor, by stopping by Monday or every day!

(3 out of 5 hot dogs)

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The Continental
25 3rd Ave (at St. Marks)
Time: All the time
Price: Five shots, $10

Five shots of anything. And yes, they’re serious. But at what cost? This place is perfect if you’re with four friends on your way to an obligatory LES birthday party, and you want a quick round of Jäger shooters before you spend two hours milking your $18 mojito, waiting for the ice to melt, and then drinking that. This place is perfect if, alcoholic that you are, your idea of a ‘continental breakfast’ is one shot each of vodka, rum, whiskey, gin and tequila. This place is perfect if you have any sort of interest in getting roofied and subsequently gangbanged by white supremacists. But for real, go in and get your shots, and peace out. I made the mistake of overstaying my welcome. After being roughed up by the bouncer, the bartender refused to give me water because her “boss would get mad.” And by mad, I’m assuming he would take her out back and go to town with his cat-of-nine-tails. So celebrate diversity, and check out this is a one-of-a-kind, white-trash gem unlike anything else in Manhattan.

(4 out of 5 hot dogs)

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Chelsea Brewing Company
59 Chelsea Piers (At w20th)
Time: Saturdays
Price: Free tour and beer samples, $3 pints.

On most Saturdays, Chelsea Brewing Company, Manhattan’s only operating brewery, gives free tours. I recently took a tour led by Ian, whose position is, no joke, ‘Beer Ambassador.’ I’ve at different points in my life considered myself a whiskey ambassador, a boxed wine ambassador, and once when I was a young lad even a Smirnoff ice ambassador. But I had no idea that you could get paid for this. (Wheels turning/ reassessing my career path.) On the tour you learn all sorts of useful information, how beer is made, ales vs. lagers, blah blah blah. More importantly, you learn what it is like to taste freshly brewed beer, which is pretty amazing. Also at the end the tour, you get a stack of tickets for half-off all pints (which come to $3). They have an outdoor deck right on the water, which is spectacular during the summer. Apparently their lease is up in the next couple years, so go enjoy the only beer brewed on this little island of ours while you can!

(2 out of 5 hot dogs)

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Vero
1004 2nd Avenue (53rd and 54th)
1483 2nd Avenue (77th and 78th)
Time: All day Monday
Price: Free panini with any drink, $11ish

Wine Bar: a bar that serves wine. Sounds like somewhere I would want to be. But to tell the truth, I would much rather drink a $3 bottle of Trader Joe’s wine, sprawled out watching last week’s ‘Intervention’ on DVR than play $12 for a glass at a stuffy Upper East Side establishment. Basically, you’re going to have to kick it up a notch if you want to get me into a wine bar. Enter ‘Free Food.’ At Vero on Mondays, you get a complimentary panini. I chose the Spicy Passion Fruit Margarita, made with jalapeno-infused house tequila. I ignored both the ‘Spicy’ on the menu, and the waitress’ warning, and ended up complaining about how spicy it was the whole time. However, there was an extensive list of wines, sangrias and martinis that I am sure I would have enjoyed way more. I ordered the spinach panini with olives, fontina and cumin aioli. The flavors were fine, but it was pretty small and unsatisfying. And there is a strictly enforced ‘one panini per customer’ rule, so don’t get any fancy ideas. All in all, I’d say if you’re in search of a wine bar on a Monday evening, knock yourself out with that free panini. But as for me, I’ll stick with my two-buck chuck.

(4 out of 5 hot dogs)

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Crocodile Lounge
325 E. 14th Street (Between 1st and 2nd)
Time: All the time
Price: Free Pizza, $3 Drinks during happy hour.

The sister bar of Alligator Lounge in Williamsburg, this NYU hangout gives you a free 10-inch pizza with every drink you buy. They also have ski-ball, games and a photo booth in the back. Overall, a fun place to chill with pizza and beer during the day, especially during happy hour from noon to 6pm where Yuenglings and well-drinks are $3, and still come with free pizza. The only drawback is that it gets absurdly crowded at night, so come early before the hoards of students.

(2 out of 5 hot dogs)

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123 Burger Shot Beer
738 10th Ave (Between 50 and 51)
Time: All the time
Price: $1 burgers, $2 (select) shots, $3 beers

What is a brilliant idea in concept, is in reality a miserable hangout for Jersey trash who need a night away from the stench of their home-state. The $1 sliders are way too small. The skanky bartender tricked me into ordering two rounds of $7 tequila shots, before telling me that they weren’t $2 as advertised. She obviously learned her sales techniques in one of the many “adult establishments” in the same neighborhood. The real $2 shot was blue, syrup-y and barely alcoholic and left me feeling like a hoodwinked john. Then all beers on tap are $3 for a cup, which was only mildly redeeming. Definitely come here if you are into fake-tans, guys wearing spaghetti straps, and getting ripped off!